ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
