(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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