I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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