She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
