Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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