if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Randomize
