there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
