I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
