I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
