Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
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