a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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