i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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