Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
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