Apparently you make a good broom.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
