dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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