I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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