I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
