I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Randomize
