my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
