but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
