I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
