like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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