I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
