I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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