If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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