If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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