If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
