i think my tv is drunk
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Randomize
