everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
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just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
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The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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