Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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