so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
