I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
