All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
That accounts for only three of the penises
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
