I seem to have left my pride at pride
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
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