pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
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