I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
