sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
