meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
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