I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
