The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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