YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
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