I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
