im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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