I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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