Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
