Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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