my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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