we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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