My boss' voice literally gives me gas
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
