if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize
