I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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