Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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