Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
This house was built for laser tag.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
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