I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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