I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
